The Trap of People-Pleasing in Motherhood
During my early days as a mother, the Lord led me to the realize that people-pleasing was something I needed to surrender to Him. As a first-time mom, it quickly became apparent to me that I had a tendency to please others, which added stress to my life and prevented me from being present for my family and embracing God's will for my motherhood journey. It was then that I realized I needed to seek God's guidance, to learn how to please Him instead. Today, little by little, I continue to learn that it's far better to live up to God's expectations than the expectations of others.
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The Harmful Effects of People-Pleasing
As I explore Biblical principles on the root of people-pleasing, I have come to understand its harmful impact on motherhood. As a devout Christian and a mother myself, I am compelled to share my insights and learnings with my fellow Christian moms, hoping to empower and equip other moms to break free from the clutches of people-pleasing.
God created each one of us with unique abilities, gifts, and talents, and it is only by living our lives true to our God-given identity that we can experience joy. However, the pressure to please others can often hold us back, causing us to second-guess God's guidance, doubt His will, and ultimately compromise our values, beliefs, and convictions.
But fear not, my dear friend, for God’s Word has powerful principles that can help us break free from people-pleasing. By following these principles, we can live our lives fully without worrying about what others might think or say. So let us embark on this journey together, my fellow Christian moms. Let us embrace our unique God-given and support and uplift each other as we break free from the trap of people-pleasing.
The Trap of People-Pleasing in Motherhood
Long before the term "people-pleasing" was coined, God already provided a Biblical definition for the phenomenon. I love what author Lou Priolo wrote in his book Pleasing People: How Not to Be an Approval Junkie: "As Christians, however, we must take care to define and diagnose man's problems 'not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words' (1 Cor 2:13)."
What is the root cause of people-pleasing?
People-pleasing falls under the biblical category of "idolatry" — looking to others or something else to do for us those things that only God can do. John 12:43 defines the motive of a people-pleaser: "For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God."
What causes people-pleasing?
Let's take a look at how the Bible can help us understand some of the common reasons moms might be prone to seeking the approval of others.
Fear of Rejection
One of the reasons we might struggle with people-pleasing is that we're afraid of being rejected. We want to be liked and accepted, and we worry that if we don't do what others want us to do, they might not like or accept us anymore. But the Bible reminds us that we are already loved and accepted by God, no matter what anyone else thinks of us.
Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Let's take comfort in the fact that we are already accepted by the One who matters most!
Desire for Approval
Another reason we might struggle with people-pleasing is that we have a strong desire for approval. We want to be praised and admired for the things we do, and we look to others to give us that affirmation. But the Bible reminds us that our true worth and value come from God, not from what others think of us.
As it says in Psalm 139:13-14, "For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."
May we remember that we are already valuable in God's eyes, and we don't need to seek the approval of others to feel good about ourselves.
Comparison with Other Moms
Finally, we might struggle with people-pleasing because we compare ourselves to other moms. We see what they're doing and worry that we're not measuring up, so we try to do what they're doing in order to fit in. But the Bible reminds us that we are each unique and special, with our own gifts and talents to offer.
1 Corinthians 12:4-6 says, "Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all."
Let us embrace our own strengths and abilities, and not worry about trying to be like anyone else.
What is people-pleasing a symptom of?
Contrary to popular belief, people-pleasing isn't caused by having low self-esteem. I confess I used to think so, too, but as I've grown and learned more about what God's Word has to say about the matter, I've realized it's actually a symptom of something bigger. People-pleasing is a symptom of a heart that values the praise and approval of others more than what truly matters to God.
And I'm not saying this to condemn anyone or make anyone feel bad. It's something we all struggle with to some extent. We all want to be liked and accepted and valued by others. That's part of being human. But when we start to prioritize that above everything else, when we start to care more about what other people think than what God thinks, that's when we run into trouble.
Seeking God's approval and living to please Him is actually the most freeing and fulfilling way to live as a mother. When we let go of the need for others' approval and focus on pleasing God, we don't need to worry about what people think of us. We can confidently raise our children as we humbly seek His guidance in every moment of our motherhood journey.
What are the consequences of people-pleasing?
People-pleasing brings about negative consequences, and it's important to be aware of them so we can avoid falling into these traps. Let's take a look at some of the consequences of people-pleasing, and how they can impact our lives:
1. Exhaustion
When we're constantly trying to please everyone around us, it quickly becomes exhausting! We might find ourselves saying "yes" to every request, even when we don't have the time, energy, or resources to follow through. This can leave us feeling drained and burned out. Remember that it's okay to set boundaries and say "no" when we need to. We can't do everything for everyone all the time, and that's okay. When we have healthy boundaries, we can have more energy to give to others when we can.
2. Resentment
Another consequence of people-pleasing is that we might start to feel resentful towards the people we're trying to please. We might feel like we're doing all the work and not getting any appreciation or recognition in return. This can lead to bitterness and negativity in our relationships. We are responsible for our own actions and attitudes, and we can't control how others respond to us. It's better to do things out of love and not with the expectation of receiving something in return.
3. Lack of Clarity on God's Will
When we're so focused on pleasing others, it's easy to quickly lose sight of what God wants us to do. We might start to prioritize the opinions of others over God's will for our lives. Our ultimate goal should be to please God, not others. When we focus on pleasing God, everything else falls into place.
4. Indecisiveness
People-pleasing can lead to indecisiveness. When we're so concerned with what others think, we might have a hard time making decisions for ourselves. We might second-guess ourselves or be afraid to take risks. We are each uniquely gifted and called by God, and we should trust that He will guide us on the right path. As it says in Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
How to Overcome People-Pleasing: Biblical Principles for Breaking Free
Seek God first. → "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33)
Set boundaries and say "no" to the wrong things. → "The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe." (Proverbs 29:25)
Embrace your uniqueness and God-given purpose. → "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10)
Surround yourself with accountability partners. → "Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." (Proverbs 27:17)
Work wholeheartedly in service to the Lord. → "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." (Colossians 3:23-24)
Encouragement for moms
If you find yourself constantly trying to please others and feeling drained or empty as a result, I encourage you to take a step back and really examine where your priorities lie. Are you valuing the praise of others over the approval of God? If so, know that it's not too late to change that. Start seeking God first and letting go of the need for others' approval, and you'll find a whole new level of joy and freedom in life.
I hope these insights from the Bible helped you understand some of the reasons why you might struggle with people-pleasing. Remember, you are already loved, valued, and unique in God's eyes, and you don't need to seek the approval of others in your motherhood journey. Keep these truths in mind as you navigate your role as a mom, and trust that God will guide you on your journey!
"It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." - Psalm 118:8
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